Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Coming out...as annoyed.

In honor of National Coming Out Day (Weeeeee!) I am making the first part of this blog purple, and coming out to my friends and family, FINALLY, as extremely annoyed.  To continue.  


Between trying desperately to keep up with the Kardashians (how does anyone do it?!?!?!), failing that, and watching Friends re-runs, I have not posted my signature, extremely hilarious, excruciatingly entertaining, painfully funny blog entry in quite some time.  For that, I apologize.  I mean, with all that is going on in news and entertainment, the fact that I haven't written a funny blog lately is kind of like...the idea of me being in a karaoke bar with you, and not just rocking the ever living shit out of Shoop by Salt n Peppa, and thus bringing your heart crashing down so far you are looking up at rock bottom. 

                       I don't know what this has to do with Shoop, but the words "smooth black skin" seem to always draw me back to this picture.




But it has provided me with a great deal of fodder with which to play with, and thus, entertain you with.  And for that you should be quite grateful.


First off, I saw the movie Bridesmaids, and while it filled me with joy to see great actresses rocking a great script by a great female writer/actress, I couldn't help thinking that this is 2011, and this is the first time I have seen anything remotely true to what it is like to be a struggling, emotionally haywire, yet fundamentally good-natured and misunderstood woman (something I may knwo something about).  The narrative centers around some of the difficult, most-stress inducing months of her life, and her resultant, less than cool-headed response.  This is something we have seen AD-NAUSEUM with male characters in movies, with the John Cusacks of the world gaining international fame, money, and most importantly likability and emotional relevance to their viewers. It's easy for anyone, man or woman, to relate to these guys.  Complete emotional immaturity? Check.  Attraction and addiction to the wrong people? Check.  Decisions based on superficial, fleeting, and reactionary rationale?   Check.  Capability of securing a a booty call but not maintaining a loving relationship?  Check.  Penis?  Lemme...check...




       I'll distract him with my sexy eyes, and then the purple dildo is mine!  It'll match my doublet. 




I presume studios think of stories about men as having the capacity to be universal, while stories about women have a clear "target audience."  I suppose this is a contention that may have some evidence.  Plenty of women and men have told me that the Holden Caulfield is totally relatable, yet I can't say many men have felt the same way about Elizabeth Bennett.  I think Bridesmaids breaks that mold.  Anybody could relate to Kristen Wigg's character.  How many times have I had an actor from Mad Men as a steady fuck-buddy with a cute foreign cop following me around?  More times than I can COUNT.  I AM ONE WOMAN, PEOPLE!

In all seriousness, the movie does something I honestly haven't seen before.  And that is, for lack of a better word, AWESOME.  There are three movies I have always wished there was a female equivalent for, and this is a start.  Basically, I have always wanted a female-centered:

1. High Fidelity.  It is really kind of awesome to think of a nerdy, urban, hobby obsessed, self-defeating 30-something WOMAN tracking down her exes to figure out what is wrong with her.  However, it may not be as delightful as HiFi, considering the responses from men I see are either A) terror B) indifference (and thus, no response or C) man-sobbing and readiness to list every CONCEIVABLE flaw with this woman, complete with physical and sexual shortcomings.  It might lend itself to a nice moment of "Can't you just say 'Fuck You" like that chick in High Fidelity?"

2. About a boy.  This one is way trickier.  I think most people would find a completely emotionally cut-off woman living off of her inheritance and deceiving men with a cool apartment and a series of lies might be a little upsetting, but I think it would be absolutely hilarious.  Of course she would have to fall in love with an actual good person in the end and come to some realization about...something, but HEY. In the meantime we will get some awesomely uncomfortable scenes of her lies unravelling at nice dinners, and the befuddled men who can't believed they were duped out of sex, but we'll know which ones are shitty when they just don't care.


3. Rushmore.  Sure, people might be a little creeped out by a fifteen year old girl practically stalking a male teacher, but after people were okay with The Professional, they need to fucking get over anything else.  That was a great movie BECAUSE it had unconventional expression of sexuality in it, not despite it.  Anywho, I would really like to see a dorky girl fall in love with her sweet, compassionate teacher and then go about her feelings in every wrong way possible.  You know...just because.  Not that it happened to me, personally...or anything.


But, despite the success of Bridesmaids, I will probably have to suffer through some more cinematic constipation, resulting in the Kate Hudsons of the world lamenting not being appreciated in their advertising jobs while Matt McConaughey won't marry them at the exact moment they decide they need to be married.  Or watch Carrie Bradshaw take the feminist movement back 30 years with Sex and the City 14.  Or maybe I should just accept that it is not the gender of the character, but the relevance of the character to the viewer's life.  It isn't about male or female, but good writing!  Yeah!  Who cares if the ratio is off, and I mean WAY off, as long as good movies can still get made, who cares!  That's what matters...good writing!  YEAH!


Or maybe I should just reconsider that penis...




                                                                     I do look damn good with a mustache.





































































































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