The greatest and most wonderful blog you will ever read*

*today within the 10 minutes you are actually reading it.


Few of my blogs are anecdotal. While most writers opt to showcase their storytelling ability on their blog, I favor a much more spitfire, look how intelligent I am, 'don't you feel stupid' kind of approach. However I have been advised and feel it absolutely necessary to share a story from the past week that will not only entertain you, but cause you serious distress about my mental and emotional stability.

As you and everyone who has ever met me may or may not know, I have a serious girl crush. Okay, let me take that back. I have a SERIES of girl crushes really. One has taken center stage as of late, but she is certainly not the first.

Top Five Meredith Mullins Girl Crushes of ALL TIME

5. Mrs. Stoner. This doesn't mean a lot to people who did not go to Lago Vista HS, and sounds almost made up, but a)any teacher who I would create in a drug-monikered fantasy would be named Mrs. Boones Farm, and b)anyone who did go to Lago Vista HS, yeah, she was um...hot. Just hearing the word factorial now...mmhmm.

4. Britney Spears, when she was hot, was really freaking hot, so she deserves an honorable mention. However, this spot goes to Salma Hayek playing Frida Kahlo and absolutely then and only then. Because frankly, she is a shitty actress, but when she played one of my communist, artistic soulmates it made her a million times hotter.

3. Last Summer, Anais Nin became my literary girl-crush of all time, especially considering she was a Piscean writer torn by constant indecision and narcissism. I read her journals and realized this is much of what my journals would look like if I had a journal and were a better writer. When this girl crush reached it's terrifying peak, however, was when I found out that Anais Nin was played in a the movie "Henry and June" by that tiny little woman from Pulp Fiction who was probably my first detectable girl crush EVER. The movie is absolutely terrible, but it secured Anais Nin and Maria de Madeiros a spot in the "Top Five Meredith Mullins Girl Crushes of ALL TIME" blog list. For reference: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2768997888/tt0099762


2. Gwen Stefani. It got to the point that I was attempting intricate drawings of her face. Granted this was high school. And I was sort of Ally Sheedy-esque in HS, spending most of my time reading and writing in my journal. And...drawing pictures of Gwen Stefani. Really, I have no excuse.

and...


well...

1. Maddow. Duh.

So hearing she was in town, I naturally went barhopping too um...find her. And drink. And the combination of trying to find her and excessive drinking had disastrous results. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I set out to find Maddow on Friday. After a hard day of reporting on the Katrinaversary, I figure Maddow the mixologist would be kicking back in the French quarter with a nice cocktail among friendly company. Granted, the only lesbian bar in the city that I know of, Ruby Fruit Jungle, doesn't exactly seem like her scene, but I figured maybe she would just like to make a gesture of unity with the NOLA dykes. No, I wasn't that hopeful. But after being at an adjacent bar and having a lesbian get my hopes sky high by saying she "heard" Maddow would be there and then me actually letting the word vomit of "I am not asking you this because you are an obvious lesbian" exit my mouth, I was ready to be rejuvenated by that goofy laugh and Elvis haircut I have come to love. But I waited and waited. And drank and drank. And she didn't come. And when somebody got word that that was who I was looking for, she said, "Is that Maddow?" and as my eyes darted in the direction she pointed, I started to tear up at the prospect of actually witnessing her visage. However, it was a ruse. And I realized that was probably the last drink I was allowed, and my roomate agreed, and I got to wake up to his naked penis staring at me from MY BED he was in with his man-friend, as I had crashed on the couch.

So for those keeping score:

Evil lesbian: 1.
Meredith: 0.

When you find yourself watching the Muppet Babies theme song...

Can that shape machine cook me up a middle finger?

It may be time to blog. Just maybe.

I feel that fans of my incredible and exciting theatrical body (of work...that is) should probably boycott my blog, simply because it is single-handedly, at this moment, delaying the possibility of me ever finishing (or really getting a respectable start) on my latest play. However, there are so few of you I feel it hardly appropriate to alienate anyone, so forget everything I just said.

A world of stupid and ludicrous has fallen upon world news and national politics, so I don't even really know where to begin. This is gonna be a long one, folks. Since the possibility for hatred is so endless, I will just start with a love letter, and then move comfortably into abject rage.

Dear Rachel Maddow,

...swoon.

Thank you. Thank you for being a voice of steady, tempered reason in the midst of a clamoring of reactionary, reprehensible (and another words that start with re-) voices. It is odd, but refreshing, to watch somebody I so consistently agree with who so consistently challenges me. Thank you for being unapologetic about your sexuality, but still wildly successful, proving that it (indeed) can be done. Thank you for not taking shit, ripping people's arguments apart, but never for a second being anything but classy and cordial. Thank you for openly hating Coldplay. Mostly, thank you for being someone I can watch in the national news spotlight and have their words resonate with me. It is such a simple thing that hasn't ever happened to me. Thank you, dearest Rachel, for keeping your hair so short and wearing pant-suits. This makes it much easier for me to imagine our wedding day.

Love,

The Incomparable Miss Mullins

Ah, I feel so much better.

However, without Rachel Maddow I might never have heard of the terrifying rise of the new right, and might be all the less terrified because of it. Here is my girlfriend speaking about the rise of this terrifying party:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wr86F9rsihU&feature=related

also this is old, but just hilarious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=OLsKt4O4Yw8#t=26

What the hell is going on? My main problem with the Tea Party is not so much that it is against the president's policies, or against government spending, or even that it fails to distinguish between social programs and communism. My problem, to be fair, is that I honestly doubt that the Tea Party exists for any of those reasons.

When Obama was elected, one of my Republican friends remarked to me, "He is going to get assassinated. People are just too racist." "That's ridiculous," I responded, "and it sounds like you are the one who is racist." (I do not really have the class of Rachel Maddow.) However, I think my friend was more correct than I could have ever foreseen. When I see these protesters, these back-woods looking, buck-toothed protesters shouting untrue information about "Obama-care," I feel that Obama's biggest contribution to date is showing us who we really are, and it isn't pretty. It is in fact probably the most horrifying realization of the last decade: America is not ready for a black president. If you don't believe me, look at this lovely little video displaying some of the most acerbic criticism (if you could ever call it that; more appropriate would be defamation.) If you are attention deficit like I, you can really just skip to the last image to get the full picture in one second, or just look at it here.

This is racism, folks. Pure and simple. Jokes about lynching are not funny, and it is becoming clearer and clearer that it really isn't a joke. My problem with these tactics is three fold.

1) If this were actually a legitimate campaign, they would make perfunctory effort to get their facts straight. They are basing their movement on the Boston Tea-Party, the famed anti-tax rally. However 95% of Americans have received a tax cut under Obama. No, really. They don't want excessive spending or excessive taxes. Well, guess what Economics 101 class: tax-cuts cost MONEY. I feel this is unequivocal proof that this is merely a political tactic to get Obama out of the White House because, like 10% of people polled in Pennsylvania in 2007, they are just not ready for a black president. When will you be ready, Pennsylvania? Five years? Ten years? When will watching our president sit their entitled black-ass on Air Force one be okay with you? There is something sickening and wrong about some "monkey" as he has been characterized, or "witch doctor" controlling their country. They warn us against Obama's evil plan to put us all into white slavery. Because, yes, I just can't sleep at night with that extremely legitimate prospect hanging over my head.

2) If anything remotely comparable to this had been staged under the Bush Administration, the talk-pundits would be calling for allegations of treason. Okay, maybe that sign isn't treason, but it is certainly sedition. Let's look at the definition to see how it measures up:

Sedition is any act, writing, speech, etc.,directed unlawfully against state authority, the government, or constitution, or calculated to bring it into contempt or to inciteothers to hostility, ill will or disaffection.

Hmm...that sounds EXACTLY like what is going on. A picture of Obama being hanged scribbled with delight? But because this government is now ruled by the Democrats, no Republican pundit would dare to question the legitimacy or legality of such comments; instead, they support them! All we heard for eight years was how goddamn un-American we were if we just didn't want to suck George W. Bush's dick all day long, and now, people actually attempting to incite violence against the president and Democratic congressman is just downright cool with them! It is stunning what we are witnessing. But it is also FASCINATING how far it has been able to take them. Youtube Sharon Angle, or Tom Tancredo. Look at what they are saying. Exercising "Second Amendment liberties" is how she proposes to handle the Democrats and their excessive spending. Meaning...what exactly? How will guns help us solve this...exactly? Or Tom Tancredo. Advocating literacy tests for voters, because it is those gosh-darn blacks and Mexicans getting all uppity and voting this liberal black-Muslim into office. Yes, in a poll last year, 57% of Republicans said they believed Obama to be a Muslim. (I guess the "Hussein" in his name confused them.) If we get rid of those damn minorities, we get back the country! Woohoo!

3. I think because Obama is black, and this makes people so damn uncomfortable, he is not being given half the chance to do anything for the country since he hasn't turned a massive acquired deficit into liquid gold flowing down our nations waterways. Give him some time, people! We gave Bush 8 years to fuck everything up. I am probably one of the biggest liberal-minded critics of Obama I know, however expressing frustration is different than throwing up my hands after a year and a half and screaming "IMPEACHMENT". We accepted everything Bush did so blindly, because he looked and sounded like a president to us. He had a national crisis to lean on, and not supporting him made you un-American. That gave him free reign to do whatever the fuck he wanted, which unsurprisingly, was to pad some pocketbooks in Washington and get in better with the Saudis. Whatever, that's over (kind-of). But in a year and a half Bush stuck us squarely in the middle of two horrifically violent wars, spent taxpayers money like it was his "Super Sweet Sixteen," and we were still singing his praises. Hypocrisy, anyone?

In other news, I enjoyed Toy Story 3.

In other news, I know I am dead sexy, obvi. Natch. But what do you think I am going to do, driving men of St. Bernard Parish, when you honk at me or tell me to "shake that shit"? I have to walk 15 minutes from the bus stop to work everyday, and I have never been more harassed in my life. I don't think it is funny, cute, or flattering. I think it is gross. So since all of you are probably avid bloggers who troll blogspot for women you have harassed, I am issuing an order to cease and desist. If you actually think I am going to jump in your car, take of my shirt, and suck your dick because you managed to move your McDonald's accentuated arm from the steering wheel ALL THE WAY to the horn without collapsing from heart failure, then I admire your optimism, but no thank you. But really...how could anyone...morbidly obese or not...resist?

ACTUAL PHOTO OF ME IN ST BERNARD PARISH.

Drink it in.

R. I. P. Tyra Banks (Show). 2005-2010.

Three of my favorite boobs.

The Tyra Banks Show lived a happy, full existence on "network" (if you count the CW) television for five glorious and fruitful years. The Tyra Banks Show was a lover of contradictions, stereotypes, and mixed messages about female empowerment and beauty regimens. It leaves behind the profound mark on many young girls' self-esteem, and a legacy of pointless, tacky crap presented as fun, girl-power tips and mantras, all spouted from the lips of your average, neighborhood supermodel.  The Tyra Banks Show will be laid to rest on the CW-network where it spent most of it's later life, and viewings will be possible for the next year as a "Best of Tyra" will be aired for interested, loyal parties. Donations can be made in the Tyra Banks Show's name to Tyra Banks and her ever amassing empire, or just by the continued support of America's Next Top Model reruns, The Tyra Banks Show's closest and most personal friend.

I can't lie, I was a fan of Tyra Banks at one time. I was fascinated by America's Top Model and the modeling process it explored, and I admired her for her business savvy and ability to captivate audiences with her fun, expressive personality. She even appeared on a celebrity episode of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and was clearly the most intelligent, knowledgeable person there, even helping most contestants from the stands when they got tripped up on a question. However, our relationship in my head started to sour with the birth of the Tyra Banks show. My feelings towards her became less amicable at moments during ANTM, when her mental stability seemed tenuous-"I HAVE NEVER YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS"-and reasons for eliminating contestants became completely ratings and not talent-based, disguised by arbitrary explanations-"You've just lost...it."  ANTM eventually devolved into an unwatchable, almost cult-like worship of everything that is Tyra, with her frequently making a fool of herself for attention, parading around in costumes, and talking down to the contestants as if they were feeble minded, needy children so far from "Tyra" in all of her supermodel glory (often not far off, but still offensive).

Also I can't forgive her for the tattoo of this image in my head:

This is this picture's second appearance in one of my blogs. For that, I apologize. Brazilian wax anyone?

However, the moment I really disliked her was the first viewing of her talk show. Not only was there no hint of this intelligent person I had seen before, but there was a dangerous, hurtful message being spouted in almost every episode: "Everyone is beautiful, but this is how you do it."

See guys, I am not fat anymore!!! But I was totally cool with it when I was, I am just reiterating...

Let me unpack why I hate this message. First of all, I am sorry, but everyone is not beautiful by society's standards. Some people are not beautiful by most people's standards. And who cares? The only time it is really financially or emotionally beneficial to be beautiful in society is when your career requires it, or you love someone and you want them to be attracted to you. Sure, beautiful people get favors and come-ons now and again, but if we really think about the average person's desire to be beautiful, it is related to acceptance from the people they want to accept them. Some people (including Tyra) want the whole world to be attracted to them in order to wallow in their narcissistic pit, but once most people exit puberty the general rationale concerning beauty is how it relates to your personal sexual and romantic fulfillment. Non-societally beautiful people get hired every day, form relationships, have friends...it happens.

So why is Tyra banks focusing on beauty? I am so tired of beauty being portrayed as the main currency and indicator of self-worth on her show. The fact is, some people aren't beautiful. And that's ok. Can we get over it please? Telling someone on her show born without eyebrows (and devastated because if it) is beautiful (a real episode I saw) really isn't the point, is it? Someone so crushed about the presence of eyebrows that she can't get out of bed doesn't need to be given fake eyebrows and told she is beautiful. She needs to get to the root of why her face is her only mechanism for judging her ability and self-worth. She could draw on eyebrows and still be crushed by what she is lacking. But why?

Well, because the second part of Tyra's very mixed message is her method for becoming beautiful. It starts with telling yourself just that: I am beautiful. Done. Now how can I really make myself beautiful to everyone else? Now that I know I am beautiful, how do I show it? Well, on one episode, Tyra really drives this point home with that insufferable bitch from the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger. She tells you exactly what guys want. Hair a little past the shoulders, no more, no less.

"No girls with short hair? Let's look in our audience..."(paraphrasing)

A girl with short hair stands up.

Patti: "Well, you're gorgeous. But you really need some lip gloss."

Tyra:"Do you have some?" she nods. "Put it on right now."

That's right ladies, you cannot catch a man without the proper lip gloss. It's just that crucial, sorry. Because men aren't looking for a real connection and attraction to a vibrant, intelligent, opinionated woman...oh no. Lip gloss. As close as you can resemble Lady Gaga, the better. Makeup. That is how you snag a man. Also important, Patti continued, is letting them come to you. Never text them. Never ask for their number, give them yours. Don't talk to much on the date. Be the beautiful, mid-length coiffed, lip gloss-ready girl you can be. Cuz that is all that you can be.

Tyra is not alone though. This message is everywhere, from makeover shows to Dove's real beauty campaign. It often described with a feminist slant, "Because every girl deserves to think they're beautiful." Here is the message from Dove's website:

the Dove mission: to make more women feel beautiful every day by widening stereotypical views of beauty.

First of all,"widening" stereotypes? Howsabout no stereotypes, or not worrying about them altogether? Simply, what I am saying on this blog:

Telling everyone they're beautiful, and focusing on beauty, does absolutely nothing to weaken the stranglehold beauty has on popular culture. It only strengthens it. Why not a campaign for real compassion, intelligence, open hearts and minds? Why should we even care who is beautiful? Dove, you are not going to make me feel beautiful by trying to tell me what beauty is. It is the same oppressive force you are fighting against in a feminist disguise.

By the way Dove, I know this is not news to lots of people, but do you think we could "widen" that stereotype to include the women you are telling to lighten their skin in India? The owner of Dove and their real beauty campaign, Unilever, is responsible for this ad.

Yeah. Fair and lovely.

Triumphant return to blogging (and the work force, and cynicism)

It's smiling!


Ah, what a good day it is to be alive. My first day of training at my new job. My best girl by my side, teaching me the subtle nuances of her highly important job I will be soon taking over. Nothing could go wrong today. Coffee in hand, I will just sit down to my computer and see which news item of the day will inspire, enlighten, and motivate me to greatness. I realize now this was my first mistake.


http://www.feministing.com/archives/020966.html


If you don't feel like clicking, or are apprehensive to click on anything containing the word feminist, I will fill you in. Oklahoma has passed a law allowing doctors to lie to their patients, or rather, facilitate that lie with legal protection from those crazy women who come forward with ridiculous accusations of their doctors lying to them about the health of their baby. Cuz man, I can't tell you how many times I get the burning desire to entangle myself in a bitter legal battle that strains my financial resources, magnifies the personal life and health of me and my family, and makes me susceptible to public criticism from anti-choice douchebags, you know, just for kicks. Nothing gives me the requisite shits and giggles of a given day better than draining my financial resources to be called a whore/baby-killer who would have murdered her baby had she known it was going to come out with legs as eyes and then die. Really, frivolous lawsuits are my bag, baby. It's what gets me off.






I don't even know how this is constitutional, or legal, or not cause for riot. How can a state limit the capacity of somebody to exercise their basic right to legal action when they feel they have been wronged? This isn't an abortion rights issue, this is a human rights issue. Aren't conservatives supposed to be small government, not pro-government deciding on who you can sue? (*laughs hysterically* I'm sorry, I knew that was ridiculous when I said it.) Also, who are these fucking doctors who are withholding pertinent information from their patients? Who are these legislators who are not only okay with it, but legally protecting them, and so intent on the limitation of women's freedom to prosecute these criminals that they will override the governor's veto to do so? I especially like the part in the bill that makes it necessary to give women an ultrasound before the abortion and explain to her the parts of the baby.

"Actually, yes, I have taken third grade biology...and yes. I still want the abortion. Because I was raped, and I am broke. So, really, fuck off or give me my legal medical procedure."


I have always wondered if men got pregnant yet retained their status as the decision makers of the world, as described by Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock (white men, to be exact), how abortions would really go.


"Oh, you are here for your abortion, sir! Right this way. I mean, you are a CEO of a big corporation. You can't let it get in the way of your career. And now that all abortions are governmentally funded, it's free! Here is your complementary lolipop!


I just don't understand. Maybe you need to live in Oklahoma.


(*descends soap-box*)


(*ascends soap box*)


Why are you looking at me that way? It's cold down there without my opinions to shield me!


I am sorry, I know this blog is no friend to animals. But...really PETA...really???

Mmmmmmm...elephants.


I put this in my blog for two reasons. One, my boyfriend said he doesn't like reading my blog unless there are hot chicks. (A catch, isn't he?) Two, representing my only political rift with Bill Maher, I just don't understand the majority of animal rights causes. Even if you love animals, you have to admit, people having clean drinking water is more important than the life a salamander. As I just told my best gal, I will totally be on the same page as these animal rights granola eaters, once


-AIDS/Cancer/Stupididty is cured
-Every person has access to food/drinking water/books other than the bible
-Techno music is eradicated, once and for all
-Malaria doesn't account for 50% of child deaths (for you, Lauren)
-Cholera is cured
-Ebola is cured
-Gays have equal rights
-Humans are no longer trafficked
-Women make up 50% of CEO's, congressmen(even the word is sexist), and world leaders
-Structural inequality and racism are a thing of the past
-There are more young black males in universities than in prison
-Systematic rape is a distant memory
-Everyone has a roof over their head and something to eat every single day
-Sex workers are treated like humans
-Drugs are legal
-Immigrants are respected
-I can afford to attend a circus to make my decision.


So as you can see, I have a busy week ahead of me before I give a shit about Dumbo. I am not saying it isn't wrong. But don't we have bigger fish to fry? Like salmon. Mmmmm...salmon.
If you are going to support animal rights, do something with a little more impact, not the freaking circus, and don't use it as an excuse to show off how hot you are. I would never do that for a cause...



Natural ringlets in all of their glory. And those pouty lips...




As my final insult, I am damn tired of hipsters...well I could just stop there. But I am really tired of hipsters making normal sounding names spelled differently to look cool. Or making up names altogether that should never be made up. For instance, my better half showed me her two favorites: J-A. Pronounced "Jaydasha." Too ludicrous to even comment on. Emmaleigh. I have a sister named Em-i-ly. If she ever changed it to that, I would either disown her, or compete. Marrudithe. Perfect.


(P.S. My boyfriend, Markcque, really is a catch, just really loves hot chicks.)




Did changing the font color make you more interested in my blog???

The absolute low point of my writing career.

I am a damn good writer. I know this, the four of you know this, my professors and patrons of my theatrical efforts know this, and most importantly I know this. Yet Saturday night, I was beaten in a writing competition, the alterna-ending play slam I mentioned earlier. "Sure," you may say. "You can't take it personally because there are plenty of good writers in New Orleans and it is good that you have competition and it makes you better yadda yadda yadda." However, I was not beaten by a good writer. I was beaten, in fact, by the supposed and irrepressible cuteness of a longtime enemy of this blog. That's right, you guessed it.





AAAAW.....Ohhh....look at the widdle kitten....






I am not just speaking of cats like the one you see above. I am speaking ALSO of the musical atrocity dumped upon us by that maniac Andrew Lloyd Webber. That's right, Cats. The musical. The only thing I hate more than cats are completely humorless self-aggrandizing pieces of shit musicals that take themselves too goddamn seriously. The two combined is like combining...small children and shitty rap music. Like Lil' Bow Wow. Or Juicy Coutore. Gross, AND pretentious. Two things I really hate, other than my own lewdness and outward pretension. But, I don't want to see it on your ass, miss Kappa Kappa Kappa.






Ok, I take it back. That is kinda hot.


In any case, I wrote a play. It was awesome. And people throwing cats onstage to the sound of Cats in the background beat me. I had great actors, I had costumes, I had so much fun doing it, and I wanted that goddamn 100 dollars at Whole Foods to celebrate with my cast and buy expensive booze.


This all harkens back to my previous post: people like dumb things and always will. I like them too, I seek them out, but can't a "New Play Bacchanal" for once be about talent and not gimmick? For once? Can one thing in our lives value intelligence over cuteness and the repetition of that cuteness? PLLEEEEEEEASE? I find it so maddening.


I could cater to this, I could throw in a bunch of bullshit into my next play, I certainly certainly could. But I am just not going to.



Sorry, keyboard cat. You really are the only cat i could ever love.





What I am going to do, is attempt to creatively push an intellectual revolution on the masses. I am going to write good theater, and direct intelligent plays. I am not going to waver or direct down to an audience. They will understand, and if they don't they will look up what they miss. My plays will be whimsical, throbbing with emotion and heart, and decidedly high brow, and if I am misunderstood I will get over it. I love art, and I want to make it for the rest of my life.


Well...unless of course this guy auditions.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GWPOPSXGYI




SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THAT IS ADORABLE!!!

As a white member of the middle class, I feel alienated.

This shit is about to get real.

Okay, I can't fucking take this anymore. Americans are just dumb, and don't know what is funny. Conan O'Brien is off of the Tonight Show, Arrested Development only had 2.5 seasons, I still wait patiently for a television offer of my own, and NOTHING. What is wrong with people? Why is "funny" just not funny anymore?

I realize I sounded a bit like Carrie Bradshaw there. But I am losing my mind. This is becoming ever clearer as I attempt to write a script for the Southern Rep Theater Alterna-Ending Play Slam. What is that obnoxiously titled competition, you ask? Well, it happens to be a competition to re-write the ending of a play and compete with other alternate endings and then someone wins and we all resent that person because they are 100 dollars richer and get to feel superior. I mainly am going after the feeling superior part, because that is really my number one jam.

The point is, I worry, as I write, that what I find funny will be universally un-lauded by the public and the only possibility for types of laughter will be nervous. I think, sometime in my lifetime, what became funny to me and funny to the general public shifted, and the sarcastic cynicism, sardonic quips and public shouting of the sexually awkward that I so love and practice was not what others found funny. I was raised on Seinfeld and the Simpsons, love the darkly comic and feel that there is simply nothing funnier than sex. Yet I can't bring myself to watch what people currently find funny because it is so lacking all of those things. My generation loves Scrubs. I love scrubs fifteen minutes in, until it becomes dripping with sentimentality and Zach Braff has an unlikely but inevitable realization that will help him not be quite so doofy in the future.

SNOOOOOREGASM.

Can't things just be crass anymore? Can't things just be random and weird and goofy and tragically comic? CAN'T THE HORNY MANATEE REIGN SUPREME!!???!

Oh yeah. That's it right there.

Sentimentality in comedy just isn't funny. I am sorry. I like a good rom-com as much as the next person, but during the canned climax I always zone out and play the chinese restaurant episode of Seinfeld in my head, or perhaps the marble rye...I feel like I am most like Elaine but the things that happen to George is the kind of shit that would happen to me...hmm...have they kissed or gotten married yet so I can leave?

To add a touch of class and intellectualism to this blog post, I must quote the late, great Samuel Beckett. "There is simply nothing funnier than unhappiness, or in some cases, Jersey-guido-trash."

This man loved him some Snookie.

So the last part of that quote maybe a little disputed, but it brings me to the fact that the only thing I really find funny on television anymore, save re-runs, is trashy people acting completely fucking ridiculous. Well-off women fighting like middle-schoolers, men acting like juiced-up gorillas. It is hilarious because it isn't me, and no matter the ridiculous times I have partook in they aren't on television, which leaves me free to judge. It is titillating because it is voyeuristic. We watch it like we are watching Nascar, waiting for the crash to happen, waiting for the fight, waiting for someone to cry over something irrelevant...waiting for the unhappiness. Waiting for women to act like we know they can (but hope in real life they won't) and waiting for men to act stupider than seems possible. Smart people don't really exist in popular culture anymore, and when they do they are usually making fun of the aforementioned "hos" and meat-heads (a la Chelsea Handler and Joe McHale). Smart, witty people get cancelled and/or moved to cable (Conan and Bill Maher, respectively) and more episodes of the Bachelor are shat out and eaten up. It's upsetting, but I can't stop watching. It's upsetting because it does nothing to progress society, or stir dialog, or even make people just stop and think for a second. And it certainly does nothing for art, does not give us any inspiration to create something wonderful or be someone new. I remember watching Lucille Ball on Nick at Night when I was little and knowing that that was the person I wanted to be, the art I wanted to create. Who do kids have now? Miley Cyrus?

As a friend puts it, the cast of the Jersey Shore is "slowing the process of evolution." But I cannot say that when those fucking guidettes start whining, there is anywhere else I want to be but in front of the television.