Monday, September 26, 2011

5.

Ima shake you off though 
Get up on that horse and 
Ride into the sunset 
 Look back with no remorse 


Four years ago today, I, as a somewhat embarrassed and awkward (acne-ridden and a bit overweight) super-senior, started a blog with song lyrics, followed by an explanation. For reminiscence sake:


I've seen fire, and I've seen rain. 
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. 
 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend. 
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again. 


I think everyone experiences all of these things in their lifetime. Little did I know I would experience them all in the span of one, single year. 


I continued. I explained how strange it is to have a sting run through your body at the mention of a certain day of the year. My date is September 26th, 2006, the day when I jumped headfirst into a distorted world of psychosis, floated and dreamed and gurgled for meaning and beauty, so far from coherence it is amazing to think I freestyle swam with Phelpsian speed back to reality. Unsurprising, however, that I drifted in and out of that world for the remaining few months of that dreadful holiday season. In this essay I explain how the friendships I had built anew, along with the old ones that I had strengthened over the course of this nightmare were keeping me afloat, and I express my immense gratitude for this gift. I still acknowledge this gift as I did four years ago, but finally feel deserving of it.  


Rereading this blog, because the experience and reflection on it are still relatively precise in my memory, lacked a lot of surprises despite the odd comfort and affirmation it brought my afternoon. However, one sentence jumped out at me and my heart, eliciting compassion for my 22 year-old self, along with pride for my 26 year old one. 


"I would never say that I am glad that happened, but I will say that not everyone gets the opportunity to have such a profound test of friendship, and those of you who still brighten my everyday, who make my life blissfully worth living must know how amazing you are." 


It is odd that I thought I would never be thankful for the enrichment that moment brought my life, how it shaped me, how it not only tested my friendships but tested the deeply embedded strength I had pooled and kept on reserve for so long. And that strength won in spades. How amazing it was as well, despite all of the evidence and doubt coming at me from every direction, that I never imagined any other course of events happening, that I bet on myself against all odds and I came out on top. How amazing I was. 


Five years later I sit with new lyrics looping in my head, those of CocoRosie and the song Werewolf. Once again, because they bear repeating. 


I’ma shake you off though 
Get up on that horse and 
Ride into the sunset 
Look back with no remorse 


This song describes an incredibly painful journey away from a person, but while the pain seems to sear her, it is a journey and a song decorated with moments of pure and delicate beauty. Precious beauty, that without the stings and stabs of the journey itself would be depleted from the mind's eye and muted to a dull grey. I always felt abandoned by the people I lost during the death of my former life that this experience precipitated. Many people left my side for simpler, prettier pastures. But my journey was away from that day, not those people. I resented the day and refused to see the colors that had finally appeared after the day was over. I wanted to never think about what had happened again, and acknowledging the world it had opened up, no matter how gloriously beautiful the things I could finally dream about and see and think, would only remind me of the life I had lost. Speaking about what I had seen on my journey was not an option. I could no longer be the crazy friend everyone worried about. So I dove head first into the written word. 


I am the great mathematician, dividing my words into even, manageable parts with no remainder. That is my sanctuary and my prison cell. My vocal chords tighten, loosen, and then disappear out of my sensual consciousness. I am given sights, sounds and speech to squish, remold, and repackage; the raw materials become the description of humanity I intend them to be, "humanity" still being a persona I feel removed from, outside of. I swallow, close my eyes, and open them, waiting for the words to come to me. Waiting for their illustrative caress. 


In a dream I was a werewolf 
My soul was filled with crystal light 
Lavender ribbons of rain sang 
Ridding my heart of mortal fight 


I used to pray that this dream would come to me, make my experience clear, reveal my purpose from God and I would be healed. I would bask in the calmness and sanctuary of this knowledge. I realized something today. After the trauma of believing my friends were in danger the night before occurred and I escaped to my familiar, physical and mental sanctuary of my best friend, the new trauma was once again healed by the presence of Jackie, the sleep I finally got knowing she was near, and the cleansing and familiar bath I had taken in Jackie's house so many times before after so many traumas: that dream already happened. It was filled with crystal light, it had lavender ribbons pouring over my body and all around me, I no longer had to fight anymore. It was that day, September 26, 2006. I remember beauty emanating from every sight and radiating through me. I remember infinity opening itself up to me. I remember the power coming from my heart so forceful I doubled over: everything about me is exactly how it is supposed to be because it is exactly what it is at this moment, and every cell is throbbing to keep me alive because I am supposed to be. My purpose is Meredith Mullins. 


How lucky I was to have that moment open up to me like an origami swan, and how tragically beautiful that I am just realizing it. But how beautiful nonetheless. 
  
I don’t mean to close the door 
But for the record my heart is sore 
You blew through me like bullet holes 
Left stains on my sheets and stains 
On my soul 
You left me broke down beggin for change 
Had to catch a ride with a man who’s deranged 
He had your hands and my father’s face 
Another western vampire different time same place 
I had dreams that brings me sadness 
Pain much deep that a river 
Sorrow flow through me in tiny waves of shivers 
Corny movies make me reminisce 
Break me down easy on this generic love shit 
First kiss frog and princess 


I was so alone, begging for change, trusting whoever would let me. So much sorrow in tiny waves of shivers. 


What I am shaking off today along with the help of my freak funk power duo CocoRosie, is not the hatred towards those who abandoned me. That died long ago. It is not the experience itself, for I thank God for it. Its pained yet sweeping glory and artistry continue to reveal themselves to me, with the powerful symmetry, pattern and cyclical nature of my life being elucidated more clearly with every infinite moment, every expanding possibility. 


What I am shaking off, at long last, is the person that emerged through this day, this other self, who told me for the past five years that this day was wrong and something to be ashamed of, making me wrong and something in this world that just doesn't quite fit. This sieve of my clarity, this voice robbing me of my experience and peace of mind because it came to me through an unconventional path, through an often shamed road less traveled. This person is finally gone. Look back with no remorse. 

Oh in a dream 
My father came to me 
And made me swear that I’d keep 
What's sacred to me 
And if I get the choice 
To live in his name 
I pray my way through the Rain 
Singing Oh happy day

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